14 September 2011

The Petulant Inner Child, The Pain in my...

OK, so I'm just going to continue as if nothing ever happened and I haven't been gone for absolutely ages, just bear with me :) (I do like a good smiley face, it can say a thousand words…or something).

As someone who prides herself on supposedly being a strong woman, I have said as much on here before, it is a difficult thing to finally admit to actually not being OK, not being happy… having a thousand un-dealt-with issues shrouded in this "I am a strong woman" faux identity. Since we last conversed, I have started seeing a doctor and a therapist and am hopefully on the road to feeling a whole heap better.

An interesting concept I am ruminating on this week is this extremely petulant, rebellious and pretty miserable inner child I have lurking inside me who is so bolshy and bossy that she overtakes any attempts at self control or self-care I make. She makes me eat a donut when I don't even want one, she makes me stay in bed on my lie in day twice as long as I really want to, she makes all sorts of counter-productive decisions for me which leave me with poor nutrition, bad habits and plenty of self-loathing. 

I am working on pausing and having a conversation with her before I make these decisions, on questioning why I am making  the decisions. When I was a kid, even if I was just about to start my homework, if my mum told me to do it or even reminded me gently that it had to be done, I would get angry and I would no longer be able to bring myself to do it. That child is still alive and kicking but hidden behind this facade of mother and wife.

Take this scenario, I have some vitamins and fish oil supplements that I need to take twice a day as part of my plan towards feeling better. So the inner dialogue goes like this; "you need to take your supplements now, no f#@ck you, I don't want to take them, don't tell me what to do" and I don't take them. It is beyond ridiculous. I wonder if any of you do this or if it's just me…

More soon I promise.

Here's my inner child, she is wearing an awesome haunted tree t-shirt