The Petulant Inner Child, The Pain in my...

OK, so I'm just going to continue as if nothing ever happened and I haven't been gone for absolutely ages, just bear with me :) (I do like a good smiley face, it can say a thousand words…or something).

As someone who prides herself on supposedly being a strong woman, I have said as much on here before, it is a difficult thing to finally admit to actually not being OK, not being happy… having a thousand un-dealt-with issues shrouded in this "I am a strong woman" faux identity. Since we last conversed, I have started seeing a doctor and a therapist and am hopefully on the road to feeling a whole heap better.

An interesting concept I am ruminating on this week is this extremely petulant, rebellious and pretty miserable inner child I have lurking inside me who is so bolshy and bossy that she overtakes any attempts at self control or self-care I make. She makes me eat a donut when I don't even want one, she makes me stay in bed on my lie in day twice as long as I really want to, she makes all sorts of counter-productive decisions for me which leave me with poor nutrition, bad habits and plenty of self-loathing. 

I am working on pausing and having a conversation with her before I make these decisions, on questioning why I am making  the decisions. When I was a kid, even if I was just about to start my homework, if my mum told me to do it or even reminded me gently that it had to be done, I would get angry and I would no longer be able to bring myself to do it. That child is still alive and kicking but hidden behind this facade of mother and wife.

Take this scenario, I have some vitamins and fish oil supplements that I need to take twice a day as part of my plan towards feeling better. So the inner dialogue goes like this; "you need to take your supplements now, no f#@ck you, I don't want to take them, don't tell me what to do" and I don't take them. It is beyond ridiculous. I wonder if any of you do this or if it's just me…

More soon I promise.

Here's my inner child, she is wearing an awesome haunted tree t-shirt 

Writing from the heart

I write from the heart. When I just let my thoughts take over and write exactly what's inside of me, that is when I am at my best. If I pre-meditate a post or plan in anyway, it stands out like a sore thumb. Unfortunately sometimes I do not want to share what is my foremost in my mind, and this is one of those times.

So I have been left with a sort of writers block. The same thing happened when I wasn't able to to write about Littlest Bean's birth and operation. Whilst it was on my mind and I knew I had to get it out, I just couldn't bring myself to write anything else. Once it was out and on my blog I felt immense relief. So for the time being I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit quiet, when I get up the courage I hope I'll be able to share a little more with you.

Don't worry though, I'm not getting divorced or suffering from a nasty illness...and I'm not pregnant.

4th July Parade 2011

Oh I do love a good parade, I thought I'd dedicate this page to the awesome phenomenon that is the parade, don't ever rain on my parade.

Woof!

I love this food cart, isn't it beautiful.

 LMU celebrates 100 years, roar!

Give me a V, give an E 

This guy made Cuddles' day. The guys in the background were drenched by the sprinkler system of that house coming on suddenly!

How breathtakingly beautiful are these horses?

Old Friends in New Surroundings

I just dropped my friend at the airport. A dear old friend from back home. It was so great to see her, it had been four years. For the first hour or two, we gradually got to know each other again, by the time the kids were in bed and I had made us a couple of frozen margaritas, we pretty much shared with each other a concentrated version of our lives for the past six years. Then I think we felt all caught up and like nothing had ever changed.

The weather was beautiful and we spent the weekend playing in the garden, eating frozen yogurt, picnicking in the park and strolling on the pier. Luckily she has a nephew and niece the same age as LB and Cuddles so she was prepared for the hyperactivity of a weekend with an excited 5 and 3 year old. Sometimes people are overwhelmed when they experience how tiring it can be when you are not used to it, but she took it very much in her stride.

It went by ever so quick, the kids are missing her already, my son even deigned to remember her name now that she is gone instead of insisting on calling her "mummy's friend". It was great to have the company too as G is still in the depths of his big work project and not home for entire holiday weekend.

I am exhausted. :)

Perpetual Embarassment

Yes, I seem to live in a state of perpetual embarrassment. As the years go buy, I hope that at some point I will cease to care quite so much. But now, just as when I was a teenager, I just always seem to be embarrassing myself.

I had an article I wrote featured on the front page of a website I write articles for, chosen out of thousands of others. At first I was delighted but when I read over it this morning I noticed a stonking great big grammatical error in the second sentence. As if that isn't bad enough, I now have to wait for their admin to approve my edit, it could be another 24 hours, so until then everyone who sees it on the front page and clicks on it can see what an awful writer I am. Here is a photo of the error so that you can share in my embarrassment long after it gets corrected (why am I posting this?):

And this is the article in question.

G is working a lot as he has a massive project going on at work. On Saturday he left  for work early and it was just me and the wee ones again. We'd had that ridiculously hectic week of talent shows, beach party and much more and the house was looking pretty much like a bomb hit it. On any normal day, I would have got my stuff together before heading out. On that day I was feeling quite down and thought it would cheer us all up to just get out of the house and try a new playground close to us that we had been meaning to go to for ages.

We had a great time and when we got back I decided to start my chores by vacuuming sand out of the car. I had just plugged the vacuum in when a neighbor I had never met  walked past with her two children. We got to talking about all sorts of things and the kids were enjoying playing together. To my horror Littlest Bean took my neighbors daughter into our house to play. This was quickly followed by everyone entering the house and going in EVERY ROOM. I wanted to crawl under a rock, I felt so humiliated. I don't think the house has ever been in such a mess. There were clothes and cheerios on the floor, and every room was upside down. I usually try to keep things pretty much in order and always try to rush around before G comes home, but he has not been here very much. I was so embarrassed I couldn't sleep that night thinking about it. I'm still not really over it, pathetic.

Yesterday when we were walking home from a friends house we bumped into some other neighbors we are friends with. Cuddles proceeded to lift my knee length skirt up and climb underneath it. I was holding wet kids paintings in my hand (or course I was) so really couldn't do much about it. Yes, that was embarrassing too. It's not the first time either, last week it happened with a mercifully longer skirt at the supermarket in front of an old man.

It's not just these one off situations that embarrass me. I get embarrassed when I go into LB's school and don't know where to stand, I get embarrassed speaking in front of a group of more than two people. I get really embarrassed when talking to someone about my blog or any other online venture. I would usually rather say I don't do anything than risk being thought of as an idiot.

Here's to the day I get over it.

Secret Project

Coming soon my latest project, because I can never not be coming up with something...BUNTING!

That's right. I'll make you some, it's gorgeous. Adds a little je ne sais quoi to any room :)

I have made some for Littlest Bean for her room. She has a relatively new obsession with Harry Potter, especially the character Hermione Granger. She decided to graduate from her pink and purple girly room to a wizard room. My friend recently came home from a trip to Singapore and gave me yards or beautiful sari silk so I have used a small portion of it to make very "wizardy" bunting for the wizard room. The silk was actually pretty difficult to work with but it's so soft and pretty.

OK so here's the wizard bunting. This isn't really the style of what I intend to make more of. I just had the tassels in my cupboard so used what I had.

Surfing Dolphins

Firstly I did promise I'd let you know how the talent show went. Littlest Bean did great. She was a little nervous and rushed through it a little but she did look like she was enjoying herself and I am over the moon that she was brave enough to get up on the stage all on her own and do her act, twice in one day. (She doesn't think she is brave but we know otherwise).

Yesterday was the last day of Kindergarten, I can't quite fathom this, someone said she's now officially a first grader. Cuddles and I spent most of the day hanging out at the school, there were lots of games, a pizza party and (shock horror) another talent show put on by the first grade. Don't get me wrong, the talent shows are incredibly sweet and I often have a tear in my eye as I watch the performances but that is 3 in one week with Cuddles squirming on my lap. After the marathon of the last day was over and we had said our goodbyes to LB's beloved teacher we headed down to the beach for the end of year party.

It was a beautiful day for the beach, the sun was hot, there was a light breeze and the waves were CRASHING down, even the dolphins were surfing. If it had just been the three of us I'd have probably sat down and chilled a little on my beach blanket while i watched the kids playing but this was altogether different. I'm not saying it was unpleasant, it was exciting but a bit frightening. The waves were huge and crashing with a lot of force, the sand slopes steeply into the water making it more dangerous and violent. Imagine 40 five and six year olds with their younger siblings high on the last day of kindergarten, on life and on sugar. We had to pen them in like sheep, all but one of us in our regular clothes having had no intention of getting wet (the Pacific is COLD). It was a little too scary really, although there ended up being about as many adults in the water as children so they were being very well supervised and limited to where they could go. One mum stood in the water being smacked in the back by the waves, fully clothed, for the full 2 hours we were there.

Today my task is to vacuum the sand out of the car, we'll see if I get around to it.