Taking a difficult step

Sometimes you need to stop, have a good look at yourself, and make a change. Last summer when I suddenly went quiet over here on my beloved blog, I had finally admitted to being depressed and started treatment. Now, don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy, it’s been pretty hard actually, but nothing worthwhile is easy, I’m quite sure this is not quite the expression.

Since last summer, good things just keep coming into my life, I don’t necessarily feel a whole load better but good stuff is just coming my way, maybe because I’m less afraid. I am back to my beloved dancing, teaching contemporary dance workshops to children with special needs, classes at my daughter’s school and ballet classes too. I have started taking a circus class focusing on aerial arts, which is one of the most fun things I have ever done. A friend and I were talking yesterday about focusing on the positive things in life and how when you are positive, good things just seem to happen. My current goal is to try to focus and appreciate the good parts of every aspect of my life and to see what happens. So every time I’m thinking of something that makes me sad or frustrated, I’m going to try to look at it from another angle, and force myself to think of the good.

Another change in my life is that we are no longer just 2 kids, a cat and a load of fish but actually 2 kids, a cat, a load of fish and a puppy (and a husband), so that’s fun…more on her later...

Boys Room Project

My son is obsessed with superheroes, not one in particular but all of them. I'm becoming quite the authority on superheroes and super villains.

One a recent trip to Jo-ann he found this fabric he really liked, for obvious reasons, so I made him some bunting, a pillow case and a cushion cover for his bedroom. I though you might like to see the fruit of one of my current obsessions. I'm not a particularly talented seamstress but I tend not to let a thing like not knowing how to do something properly stop me.

Please excuse the quality of the photos, I used my cell phone camera and sometimes I just can't quite get it to focus :)

Creativity and Hyper-Focus

I've experienced a return to creativity lately. It began at the end of the summer when I threw myself into the preparations for my daughter's Harry Potter-themed birthday party. I busied myself making paper bag owls, milk bottle owls, flying keys and banners. My neighbor and I spent many happy hours painting and brainstorming and I was overwhelmed at how much I enjoyed myself. I have also been sewing more, I volunteered to make signs for a recent renaissance carnival at my daughter's school, I've been knitting and finally I am writing again.

One of many things I have learnt about  myself this summer is that I tend to hyper focus on things. On mentioning this to my other half, he rolled his eyes, to him it's a complete no brainer, "of course you do". Let me explain...

When I first started writing my blog, it became a complete obsession. Every second of the day I would be thinking about things to write, new design ideas, taking photos, looking for inspiration. I learned how to monetize it in different ways, how to increase readership, I shared ideas and feedback with other writers. I spent hours changing the layout of the blog, i taught myself basic html, learnt how to design functional buttons and banners, all sorts of things. Then all of a sudden, I didn't know what to write, and I just stopped. For about 5 months I have barely written a word or even checked in on my beloved blog, though it is still very precious to me.

Again when I started sewing, i got into making bunting and just churned them out. I would study different fabric patterns online constantly looking for the best designs. I even got 80% through setting up an Etsy store and decided what I would sell things for. Suddenly my sewing machine wouldn't work properly so instead of doing anything about it, I stopped dead and didn't sew for about 3 months.

Recently my husband gave me a kindle and I began reading a lot more. At first I read books that had been recommended to me by my now beloved therapist.  Soon after, I began to read for leisure, but then before I knew it, hyper focus kicked in again, BOOM, in the past ten days, amongst my usual activities of running a busy home, volunteering at my daughter's school and looking after two young children I have read all 4 of the Twilight saga books, Wuthering Heights and have started Frankenstein and Madame Bovary. I am fully aware of how ridiculous this is and unfortunately it leads to self-loathing as I can't feel like I have accomplished anything when I know other areas of my life aren't getting the attention they need.

As a natural reaction to rediscovering my creativity I have begun to miss dance intensely again. This time, now that my tummy has had a whole year to recover from being repaired, I am finally in a place where I can actually pursue it again. I have found a class locally that sounds great but have not taken the extra step to actually attend, and I have also made a date this week to meet with the student's from my neighbor's class so that I can start planning a dance workshop with them in the near future. This is huge for me. If I can pull this off it will be a major step forward as far as self-confidence and escaping inhibition goes. I've even found a circus class that I am very excited about, I just don't know if our budget can stretch to all this.

So that's where I am. I hope I can manage to balance my loves a little better and to enjoy them without the resulting feelings of self-loathing and selfishness. For now I am  happy to get back into so many things I enjoy so much.

The Petulant Inner Child, The Pain in my...

OK, so I'm just going to continue as if nothing ever happened and I haven't been gone for absolutely ages, just bear with me :) (I do like a good smiley face, it can say a thousand words…or something).

As someone who prides herself on supposedly being a strong woman, I have said as much on here before, it is a difficult thing to finally admit to actually not being OK, not being happy… having a thousand un-dealt-with issues shrouded in this "I am a strong woman" faux identity. Since we last conversed, I have started seeing a doctor and a therapist and am hopefully on the road to feeling a whole heap better.

An interesting concept I am ruminating on this week is this extremely petulant, rebellious and pretty miserable inner child I have lurking inside me who is so bolshy and bossy that she overtakes any attempts at self control or self-care I make. She makes me eat a donut when I don't even want one, she makes me stay in bed on my lie in day twice as long as I really want to, she makes all sorts of counter-productive decisions for me which leave me with poor nutrition, bad habits and plenty of self-loathing. 

I am working on pausing and having a conversation with her before I make these decisions, on questioning why I am making  the decisions. When I was a kid, even if I was just about to start my homework, if my mum told me to do it or even reminded me gently that it had to be done, I would get angry and I would no longer be able to bring myself to do it. That child is still alive and kicking but hidden behind this facade of mother and wife.

Take this scenario, I have some vitamins and fish oil supplements that I need to take twice a day as part of my plan towards feeling better. So the inner dialogue goes like this; "you need to take your supplements now, no f#@ck you, I don't want to take them, don't tell me what to do" and I don't take them. It is beyond ridiculous. I wonder if any of you do this or if it's just me…

More soon I promise.

Here's my inner child, she is wearing an awesome haunted tree t-shirt 

Writing from the heart

I write from the heart. When I just let my thoughts take over and write exactly what's inside of me, that is when I am at my best. If I pre-meditate a post or plan in anyway, it stands out like a sore thumb. Unfortunately sometimes I do not want to share what is my foremost in my mind, and this is one of those times.

So I have been left with a sort of writers block. The same thing happened when I wasn't able to to write about Littlest Bean's birth and operation. Whilst it was on my mind and I knew I had to get it out, I just couldn't bring myself to write anything else. Once it was out and on my blog I felt immense relief. So for the time being I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit quiet, when I get up the courage I hope I'll be able to share a little more with you.

Don't worry though, I'm not getting divorced or suffering from a nasty illness...and I'm not pregnant.

4th July Parade 2011

Oh I do love a good parade, I thought I'd dedicate this page to the awesome phenomenon that is the parade, don't ever rain on my parade.

Woof!

I love this food cart, isn't it beautiful.

 LMU celebrates 100 years, roar!

Give me a V, give an E 

This guy made Cuddles' day. The guys in the background were drenched by the sprinkler system of that house coming on suddenly!

How breathtakingly beautiful are these horses?

Old Friends in New Surroundings

I just dropped my friend at the airport. A dear old friend from back home. It was so great to see her, it had been four years. For the first hour or two, we gradually got to know each other again, by the time the kids were in bed and I had made us a couple of frozen margaritas, we pretty much shared with each other a concentrated version of our lives for the past six years. Then I think we felt all caught up and like nothing had ever changed.

The weather was beautiful and we spent the weekend playing in the garden, eating frozen yogurt, picnicking in the park and strolling on the pier. Luckily she has a nephew and niece the same age as LB and Cuddles so she was prepared for the hyperactivity of a weekend with an excited 5 and 3 year old. Sometimes people are overwhelmed when they experience how tiring it can be when you are not used to it, but she took it very much in her stride.

It went by ever so quick, the kids are missing her already, my son even deigned to remember her name now that she is gone instead of insisting on calling her "mummy's friend". It was great to have the company too as G is still in the depths of his big work project and not home for entire holiday weekend.

I am exhausted. :)